one day maybe i'll believe u...

I often try to let the men that get to know me know my negative qualities. Why? Because, I don’t want them to fall for the perfect me they’ve imagined. Yes it is true that I am kind beyond measure, compassionate, honest, and strong. This is not an act, because it is who I am, but it is not all of me. I feel like I’ve lost all ability to love romantically. When I get close to it, I start to over-think it and make it feel wrong. I’m manipulative, impulsive, and care primarily for self-preservation. I do what I want, when I want it, because at that moment it feels right. Without thought to the future, without a glance at the past. I am not a completely heartless being perhaps, I warn them in advance. I tell them not to become emotionally caught up in who I am because my emotions will likely only go as far as friends. To those I have particularly grown fond of, i protect them further. They try and convince me that they could make me happy, they could be the one for me. I turn them down, not because I do not believe what they say to be true, but because I do not believe that I could give them the same in return. I do not feel as though I could make them happy. I have forgotten what it was like to be devoted to one man, to love him more than anything in my life. I have become too self-centered, too shallow to allow it. I am frightened for myself, frightened that I may never give myself the chance to love again. Most of all I’m just scared of pushing so many people away that I end up alone. I am horrible, angry, bitter, selfish, why can’t they see that? Perhaps it is because my positive qualities outweigh my negatives. Perhaps they are just so love-struck that they’ve blinded themselves from it. I just want someone to see me, see how despicable I can be and tell me to my face. Tell me I’ve become a heartless bitch. Tell me I could never make you happy because I’m too selfish, self-centered, and power-hungry. See me please. If you still love me after all that, maybe I’ll believe you..I'm SORRY MR Ar... R......(U know who u are)..